Barren Wasteland

I don't have much to say. I haven't written anything in weeks. I am dissatisfied with everything I come up with. It all sounds predictable. Or boring. I want to branch out. I want to express the depth of my feelings, but even those feelings are compromised by a life of endless monotony.

On the other hand, I am terrified of passion's potential. I also terrified of being delusional with self importance.

I feel as though I'm falling through the cracks.

This is depressing drivel.

My mind is constantly filled with songs. "Time After Time", "I'll See You in My Dreams", "After You've Gone", "Black Crow", and more and more and more.

I am currently playing with a new band that is writing songs as we go along. For the most part we fine tune songs that the guitar player/vocalist writes, but it is very collaborative. Songs change quite a bit through the process.

I am trying to hold to his vision for the music, which isn't hard because I generally like what he's bringing to the table. It is a new method for me though. I have spent so many years (since I started writing my own music at 12) being secluded from the rest of the world as I put together ideas. I think the process of filtering ideas through 4 people's heads has it's ups and downs. I see the many avenues the songs can take. I think the songs can lose their purity, so to speak, but they gain a new quality (communal energy?) that can only be found through collaboration.

For now I see it as a great opportunity for personal growth. I am exercising many muscles: my ear as I pick up what I hear, and my mind as I think about what my part should sound like to compliment the other parts, the notes, the beats, etc.

In addition to all this, it's a weight off my shoulders. I am not solely responsible for carrying the songs. These are not my lyrics, this is not MY soul being exposed. These are not MY ideas to be critiqued.

So far it's turning out to be a great experience. Now, if I can only find time for my Beatles cover band, accompanying an Irish American folk singer, and last but NOT least my own music...

Just got out of a great band practice with the band I play bass with. Playing someone else's music for a change is great. It does remind me of the many ideas floating around in my head though.

Goal #1: get myself a show.

Fortunately having children has wiped away any delusions of grandeur. I am what I am. I want no fame, just a willing audience that can be transported to the same magical place I go to when I play. If I go will you follow me? Without judgement?

I keep sitting down to write something here, trying to resurrect this blog, but nothing comes. I am trying to move away from the 'this is a poor excuse for therapy' vibe and actually write about SONG WRITING.

Unfortunately I have had next to no time for my own music lately. I have committed to 3 other bands/artists, 2 of which practice once a week. In addition to the lack of time, the time I do spend working on music is like pulling teeth. My children climb on my back and cry at my feet. Why?? Their Papa can sit on the computer for 2 hours with a few minor interruptions here and there, but not me. Any moment devoted to something other than them is simply not allowed. That is, any of MY moments.

Then comes the guilt. I feel guilty. I must be neglecting my children if they feel so desperate for my attention. Then I flip back and think, am I no one? Do I count for nothing? Why should I feel guilt when any working parent (particularly fathers) is gone from the house 40 hours a week? This is what I DO. To me, this is my 'career'. Why isn't it valued? Why do I have to fight for 30 minutes of music?

Again I've failed at writing about songwriting, but I have nothing new to say. I can't even finish this blog as a baby is screaming and pulling on my clothes.

I am terrified of losing my anonymity. I like hiding in this place where I am free from judgement. How do I reconcile my desire to perform with my inability to be in front of the lense. I resort to awkwardness and out of place jokes. I'm sorry, I'm actually very passionate and serious about my art, but (from past experience) I am afraid to let that show.

Can't I just hide behind the sound?

Is it wrong to be an idealist when it comes to art? Isn't that what it's all about?

I have been wanting to perform SO badly lately. I've had a few opportunities to play for friends, at parties, etc. but in those situations I feel so exposed. For me to play the way I REALLY play I need some space between myself and the audience. Performing is like being completely and utterly open. I am revealing my highest highs and my lowest lows. This is ME. And that is precisely what makes it so hard. I can't talk to you about it and really get my point across, I can't even explain it here in words...only in the moment, through the feeling.

When I am not performing I feel like I'm not myself. The past 5 years I haven't been myself. I've been walking around in someone else's body living someone else's life. Mean while there is the constant movement of music in my mind.

I'm determined to be me again.

An Actual Blog About Songwriting

(please forgive the random asterisks and paragraphs...I hate computers.)
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*Instead of wallowing in my own self doubt I thought I'd actually write about songwriting.

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*How do you write a song? Where does it come from? What is the process?
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When I was a teenager songs seemed to flow out of me endlessly. Some of them weren't half bad, but most of them were like me at the time: immature, idealistic, YOUNG. Songwriting now is hard work. I must work harder to find that place where songs are born. I am not sure it is within me, but it feels like it comes from somewhere else, almost out of thin air. The good ones anyway.
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*My process varies. I generally start with some chords that I like. I've mentioned before that I write songs in pairs. I usually have a key that I'm stuck in, then I start with a few chords that are new to me. Something that catches my attention. From there I work on the rhythm and chords. I like to create the 'vibe' before I add the lyrics/melody. Here is where the process changes from song to song. Some melodies are thoughtfully crafted using a specific tool to get a specific sound, others are created (found) more through improvisation. Often times the lyrics and melody come together. The first verse is always easiest, then finishing the lyrics/adding additional arrangements (bridge/chorus) comes last.
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*That is where I am currently stuck on the 2 songs I've been working on. I need TIME to work on them, and that is something I simply don't have. I need time and space, darkness, silence. I cannot schedule these things. You cannot say to a painter, "All right, go paint a masterpiece between 10 and 1 while the baby naps!". Art needs freedom.
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*I will end with a quote I read recently in 'Piano Playing with Piano Questions' by Josef Hoffman. The quote is actually from Goethe: "Outwardly limited, Boundless to inward."
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